* WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT *
When I was about 12 years old I suffered with a lot of painful periods and was told it was just a grumbling appendix.
Unsure of what would occur a few years later I was advised to keep a diary of the pain and what was taken to help alleviate the issues.
In 2012 I had my first Laparoscopy in Guernsey General Hospail. I was taken to Alderney Island Hospital where they couldn’t fully deal with what was going on so I was put on a plane to Guernsey under Emergency Patient.
Here, we found out I had Chocolate Cysts. Endometriosis in medical terms. A fertility threatening disease that can attach its self to where ever it wants.
Mine started as cysts, it then changed to “web” like tissue and moved from my ovaries to my abdomen in later years and also the outside of my womb which resulted in a serious operation to move tubes to aid in keeping my fertility.
A lot of tissue was removed and the recovery was long, painful and very much the worst heartache I’ve ever had to deal with.
I went from being scared to very cold and bitter about the whole thing pretty quick.
After being told numerous times I’d never carry a child full term, it was something I just learned to shut down and block out as the thought of actually dealing with the feelings and emotions was just not ok with me at that point.
It became normality to check in twice a week for pain clinic, get bloods and invasive tests done to be told there was no change.
Just like meeting a friend for lunch it became easy and just everyday life.
Each time with no change, it shut down another part of me inside. Killing me slowly and thinking what’s the point in even trying.
I was taken into hospital for my 4th Laparoscopy where they removed more Endometriosis tissue, the result was this:
Due to having extensive scar tissue and yearly (almost to the date) operations it was becoming unsafe to keep repeating the procedure. So I was asked if I would allow them to fit an implant in my stomach which would dissolve over the period of time stated. This was to bring on “early menopause”
So there I was, in this hospital yet again and suddenly scared and unsure of what to do.
I asked for advice from family, friends, work colleagues and professionals. I searched online and still wasn’t 100% sure of what I was doing.
I said yes
They fitted the implant and I had to take HRT for 4 weeks everyday.
This was the most awful thing I’ve ever taken. I felt addicted, frustration, anger, a temper that would rip through me as sudden as flicking a switch and no feeling or care for myself. I just wanted it over and done with, I didn’t want to see anymore doctors or have people like and prod at my body. The thought of anyone touching me made me recoil in my skin.
You see these tests we go through on a regular basis which has their own side effects, not medically but mentally and most definitely physically. It’s painful, heartbreaking and soul destroying.
I left jersey on the 27th September 2015 to come home and finally be with Chris.
We fell pregnant really quick, yup obviously excited to see each other protection went out the window and although I was on the pill, that didn’t seem to stop things.
On the 15th December 2015 I had gone for a scan to see what “was” our little baby?
Nope, I was taken in hours after finding out nothing was there for a suspected miscarriage which turned out to be eptopic.
I was taken in as emergency for another Laparoscopy to remove the pregnancy where they found a mass of Endometriosis tissue and positive results of a pregnancy.
Heartbroken yet again, Chris supported me throughout the whole experience like an absolute king. He was scared but kept me calm. He was gentle and kind and that’s all I needed.
Previous miscarriages were between 8-15 weeks before I moved to the Channel Islands also and not one of them gets easier.
You become cold and live in hope but also fear every day.
And then the sun came out ....
We had another positive test in May 2016.
Scared and worried it would be all wrong and be taken away from us again, we waited to see a doctor to confirm the pregnancy.
I was 11 weeks when I went to my GP.
She confirmed yes, I was definitely pregnant, we had our first and second scan. She was most definitely our little girl.
She was always going to be called Cailyn. As this was the first name we both liked with the first pregnancy and we said the next one WILL BE Cailyn.
She held on, she kicked and gave me more sleepless nights than I care to imagine but to this day she makes us laugh, cry and scream. She is ours!
Hoping for baby number 2 we are still facing months of difficult times but together we will get through it.
We definitely wish to give Cailyn a sibling but if it’s not meant to be, we will deal with that to..... together!
Don’t ever be afraid to talk about your feelings like I did or block them away as you can only bottle up so much before you explode. Be kind to yourself and let it out.
It’s ok to not be ok!
I have listed graphic photography from my operations, hospital experience and recovery. These are my own photos with the idea to let you see how much someone with Endometriosis can go through.
If you know anyone with this disease or ANY disease, just be there for them and be kind.
Cailyn’s Mummy x
*All dark patches and infected looking areas are live Endometriosis*