It’s reached a point in our family that there’s become a vancancy for another member to join the Ferguson / Hancock brood.
Chris would like a male team mate but myself, I’d like another female, as let’s be honest here .... why wouldn’t Chris want 2 girls in his life that are as crazy as their mother?
After a loss a couple of months ago which was a complete surprise it got us thinking that when we feel ready we will actually do some planning this time.
I was surprised that on our trip to Aviemore Chris announced it was “time”. He’s really keen for roughly two years between the kids, however I’m nervous to say the least.
It’s great fun of course and it’s amazing seeing that little bean grow but there’s some things I’m naturally scared of.
1) I will be having another section so I’m scared of the possible negative things that could go wrong with that, never mind another massive scar to add to my tummy, which already looks like the aftermath of a shark attack due to countless operations and section with Cailyn.
2) I worry about my weight a lot, I always have but it’s been easily managed as I didn’t have Cailyn back when I felt great about myself. My self confidence is well... shot to shit so without being a negative nelly I always wanted to get back into looking after my body before landing pregnant and adding to the issues.
However this is something I also feel that if I start now, I’ll be able to continue, it will help me feel better and make me feel relaxed which may help us to fall pregnant - catch 22 obviously!
Names - what on Earth have we done?
We always loved the name Cailyn. When we experienced our first miscarriage it was the one name that stuck at that time. When we found out we were expecting again and our bean was a girl, Cailyn was the only choice. We loved it as it means Girl in Gaelic.
Spooky Fact ~ Cailyn was born a year later on the day of our first loss, 15th December.
We have unknowingly, at the time made a rod for our backs. Chris, Claire & Cailyn.
All C’s so we feel we definitely need to continue the tradition we somehow created as what a disappointed child we will have if they don’t have the same letters as all of us.... “you didn’t love me enough” I can hear it now! “I wasn’t as important”
Without a shadow of doubt, whatever we name the second child it will begin with a C and share Chris’s middle name which is North. North has been in his family for generations so regardless if we have a boy or a girl he or she will be (?) North Hancock.
Cailyn was given Georgia, after my Granda George who helped my amazing mother bring me up, support me and teach me like a father would. He was and always will be the most incredible person I’ve ever met. Sadly he is no longer with us but I know he would be so proud of her and all of us.
With all the fears aside, which I’m sure are completely natural. I’m quite excited to become a mummy again and grow our little family. As a lot of you know me and Chris have known eachother since we were 13. We went to high school together and dated then to so it’s really nice to be where we are now.
If there’s anything I’d do differently this time it would most definitely be to give myself more credit and not be so hard on myself.
Also ... I’d make Chris change more dirty nappies and learn to cook (yeah right)
I over thought a lot with Cailyn, emotionally beat myself up about feeling not good enough and not being able to provide enough milk to begin with, that I really felt quite flat for the first 2 months. I found it difficult to accept help as I’d been told to rest with the section and couldn’t, typically stubborn, I also felt really lonely, which I have learned a lot about and have grown to realise who and what is important to worry about - so less stress is definitely key. Also, clothes... you really don’t need as much as you think... so just stop! Put it back. It’s true what they say baby number 2 gets the hand me downs! (Pray for a girl)
Motherhood is a tough game to play no matter if you have 1 baby or 4 we all have issues to battle and overcome.
I will keep you all updated and of course be open and honest about our journey.
Loss is something that has always been part of it all and I feel the more we speak about it the less uncomfortable it becomes and also less painful. Mentally I have always found it good to go through each stage of emotion and talk about it with Chris, scream and cry, be silent and moody - all normal so don’t ever feel alone in those situations as they are more common than you think. 1 in 4 women will miscarry - to be precise. There will always be someone to talk to however please feel you can drop me a message at anytime, day or night and talk as a lot of you do, that battle with endometriosis. It’s fantastic to share, learn and support others! So please be there for someone when they need it to.
Cailyn’s Mummy x