My Story - Endometriosis & Loss

October 4, 2017

 

It was back in 2012 when I experienced the first of what was going to be a long and painful journey, a journey of hospitals, fighting and operating to make me better.

 

Endometriosis

A word I'd never even heard of or understood, they called it a mass of "chocolate" cysts that had been growing and burst. 

I had to rest for 2-4 weeks as I'd gone for key hole surgery but in 5 different locations across my stomach and lower abdomen.

Resulting in me leaving the island once rested to go home. Which I ended up returning 8 months later.

 

(The Channel Islands will always have my heart)

 

2013 came and a year later plus a week I was back in the same position, serious pains, sudden sharp cramps that ripped through me like what I can only imagine a knife feeling like. 

Again, another cyst had burst.

More operations, this time moving things inside me to make the chances of me being a mother slightly easier.

After months of failed pain relief due to nerve damage I was in the head space of why even bother nothing was working.

 

2014, 2015 yup as you can imagine all the same, but this time hearing the words...

 

 "Miss Ferguson I'm sorry to inform you but after many tests we fail to see how anything else can be done for you at this stage"

 

"So what your saying is I'm infertile?"

 

"No, you will find it increasingly difficult to carry a baby full term"

 

I was offered this "menopause" implant that temporarily brung on the effects of a normal menopause. 

I called my mum for advice as this was way out of my league and after some thought I decided well ok I've tried everything else lets go, do it and be done with it.

The month passed and it was horrific, taking the tablet to counteract the side effects was the worst, it made you feel twitchy and nervous not to mention the worst kind of instant anger I've ever felt.

It was like word vomit times 10 of my normal dose! 

I took myself off the medication as I honestly felt like an experiment.

I found some herbal capsuals in holland and Barrett and stuck with them for about a year and to this day I've not had any nerve pain like I did back then. 

 

In between me leaving the Islands in 2012 and returning in 2013 I had my first miscarriage.

It was at 12 weeks, I lost that much blood I had to be taken from Arbroath to Dundee and be seen by medical staff on arrival. I'd lost a lot of blood and to say I wasn't in a good place was an understatement. I had the operation to remove what was left of the pregnancy which left me sore and well emotionally destroyed for months.

I soldiered on and got myself back to a normal head space for myself and returned  to the Islands until September 2015 when I returned home and settled in Edinburgh with my high school boyfriend and go to for many years. (Chris)

 

On the 15th December 2015 I had my second miscarriage at 8 weeks with my now partner Chris. This was a shock for both of us but again ended in having an operation as it was an eptopic pregnancy.

We had gone for the scan and nothing was there, within 24hrs I was pregnant then not. 

Chris refused to leave my side as he seen how much pain I was in and I'll never forget the support he gave me! The sheer love was incredible and so strong it was the only thing keeping me going. At this point I was beginning to think I'd never have a child.

 

On the 3rd March 2016 we found out I was pregnant, excited but both extremely scared as we wanted to be a family so bad after loosing our fist.

we decided not to go to the doctor until I was over 10 weeks, I had the fear of it all ending so soon I couldn't face making it official and so real for it to be taken away again.

She stuck in and I delivered Cailyn via emergency C-Section on the 15th December 2016 - yes, a year to the date we lost our first - scary right! So proud and extremely happy I made a promise to her that I'd be the best mummy she could ever wish to have and I will work on that promise to the last of my days.

 

Last week we found out I was expecting again, we all knew something wasn't right, I wasn't well and felt extremely emotional.

8 weeks pregnant and although a massive shock, one we grew to welcome.

We began to look forward to the crazy future of having two kids under two.

................

And you where gone, just like that, within hours, I felt the cramps, the pains in my legs and I knew something wasn't right.

I went off to sleep and woke to something that every women wanting to be a mummy dreads. 

We had limited days and although your gone, like others, you will never leave my heart. You see no matter how many you have, the difference stages of pregnancy, they never get easier and they are each equally difficult. 

I know the man feels it to but we really do have the aftermath for a week or two, after the pregnancy has left us. Which is in itself an emotional rollercoaster of heartache and self blame.

 

My point in telling my story is that your not alone, even though you think you are, your not. 

Miscarriage, Still birth and Infant loss is more common than you think, 1 in 4 to be precise.

If you know someone who is don't be shit, ask them how they are feeling about it and let them know you are there, listen and be the shoulder to cry on or the face to scream at. It's hard and with support we will get through it.

 

I am 1 in 4 

 

#MiscarriageAwarenessMonth

 

Claire @cailynsmummy

 

 

 

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